In my Prayers

In my prayers this morning you became the sky which through the entire night did not close its eyes, a clear expanse ready to receive the first light, a curve of silence in wait of sound as the sun drifted above my head, you became in my prayers the tips of pines, eternally green and forever presenting abstruse questions to the wind that hisses from directions unknown

In my prayers at dusk you became the sparrow that fluffed its feathers in the mist, alighted on the branch and felled the tassel of the guava flower and then in sudden excitement flew away to alight on the mango branch.

In my prayers this evening you became the distant wind that descended ever so slowly, tiptoed down the path and slipped through the cracks of the panes and door to press its cheeks and lips againts my hair, chin and eyelashes.

In my prayers tonight you became the beating of my heart that has so patiently endured what seems to be limitless pain and faithfully revealed one secret after another, the unending song of my life

I love you, and for that reason, will never stop praying for your well-being..

::The Reward of Patience & Forgiveness::

It's funny how things work out sometimes. When you give up hope, when you feel defeated, when you feel like you're lost, and have no where else to turn to, when you have no hope for your future, or finding a place of understanding the reason and purpose behind "what the hell just happened" in your life, there's something that takes place to cause everything to shift back into its rightful place.

I think that God looks at our heart, understands our intentions, and helps us to refocus our life when we ask him to. Things change when we speak with him and get on His level, as opposed to working on the fulfillment of our wants and desires, in opposition to all that has been already given and provided for us. We have everything we need, and when we look at it, we have most of what we want, as well.

I guess it's time for me to move into the next level of my life, and I can't step into my next level without first forgiving him for all the wrong he's done to me. Since then i've tried to forgived myself too and all the people around us and am working on and taking care of myself. I realize that i can not establish my future if I am still holding on to my past.

Forgiveness lays the foundation for the future and it is the first thing that I have done to pave the way for what I will someday become and what I will someday posess. I've been taught through experience, that forgiveness is established through adversity. You gotta go through something and experience the test of forgiveness. Once you are able to do that (when you decide you really want to better your life), you will experience opposition but you can handle it because God is on your side.

I'm alright though. My mind is at peace and I am definitely ready to move on with it. I've been kickin' it with this one guy that I like A LOT, I don't know if he sees it yet, but I'm trying to take it slow, though I don't want to. Just taking heed to wise counsel, that's all.. he3x.. My siblings makes fun of me all the time saying "Look at you... already tryin' to get married..." -lol-

a heart breaker

When I'm committed to a person, I'm focused on them alone. I'll notice you if you look good, and then that'll be that. I'm not gonna be like "DAMN, Look at that! I want that," and dwell on it. If I got somebody that treats me good, and is good enough for me to look at, then I'm content with what I got, even if I love you... I'll love you real hard... That's just me. That's just how I am because that's what I would expect in return.

Even with people I've crushed over in the past. There's always just ONE that captivates my attention, and I focus all of my energy into them, and them alone. Idunno, maybe I'm just different, but that's how I've always been.

I can't have more than one person on my mind, as far as pursuit is concerned.

People think that I can just go have anybody I want, but really it's not like that. I don't want just a steady "freak friend." I want somebody that's gonna care about me, too and really want me for me. Why is that too much to ask for? I guess I'll just keep living my life until that person finds me, 'cause I'm not looking. It's frustrating, but I'll be patient.

I usually keep-to-myself and stay at a safe distance from people because all I know is people get close, and then they do me wrong, so i have to walk out of their life to save our relationship. I've had friends do it, my ex did it. This has happened to me more times than I can count, and I kinda don't care anymore. It's no longer hard for me to let go. I've only built a few meaningful friendships and relationships with people in my life, but it's hard for me to be optimistic because they don't last very long for me.

Though I'm a little insecure when it comes to matters of my heart, I consider myself mature for my age and I hate it when people underestimate me. I understand that rejection is a part of life, and is something I've always dealt with. I'm used to not being a person's "type." I'm used to not being good enough. I'm used to not being this enough and that enough. I'm used to being different.

I just am... And they said I was gonna be a heart breaker... Hmm...

After much thoughtful consideration.

I'm sad to announce that I've ended my current relationship. Over the last couple months I've realized that this is the right decision for both of us. Everyone is surprised, everyone is heartbroken. I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt someone that i care so much and the people most close to us.
This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope to remain the best of friends and I'll always love him.
I don't know what the future may hold, but I respect his decision and appreciate the very kind and generous manner in which he is handling his very difficult decision. We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another. This was the best experience of my life and I will always be grateful for it.

My grief talking

One thing I've learned to accept is the things I can't change and the things I can't understand. It's sometimes a struggle, but I find myself often wondering why people do the things they do, say the things they say, or whatever and have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter and to let it go, because people very rarely change who they are, how they are, or why they are a certain way. It's about the thought process that people have that imposes a certain confidence and conviction upon me, that says that "this is the way things are to be" and I am supposed to accept it or be rejected.

As people grow up their tastes change and I know that growing up and becoming adults the direction his and I wanted to go in changed a little bit. When it was time to split it was time to split and when you know you know.

That's part of the growth-process I have to endure in figuring out myself first and re-evaluating my thoughts, words, and actions. I'm just trying to better myself and to put my mind into subjection of things that are for "the making of me."

I care him alot, but some things are about to change with us.
I'll take 50% of the blame for it, though. We just need to work on communicating and I need to work on my trust issues, but you know what? My trust issues would not exist if we communicated better, so there you go... I'm blaming him once again. But ANYWAY, I'm reforming my mind (well, trying to anyway) and trying to get my emotions on lock.

I'm working on that "new" way of thinking because I am a firm believer in how everything begins in your mind. Like I told a co-worker the other day, "What you think becomes what you say. Then what you say becomes what you do." Which in-turn, points toward your character, which will lead you toward your destiny. I was taught (through my job) : What you will someday be, you are now becoming. That means, you have to pay the price NOW for who you want to be, because if you don't do it now, then what makes you believe you ever will? Action creates action.
Sometimes, I wonder why I don't take my own advice.

But, it's about time, right?? LATA.

Fragile (handle with care)

Unsure and unable to identify what the hell is going on with me, I've been patiently enduring this dry spell my life (and my emotions) are dragging me through. But maybe I shouldn't call it a dry spell cuz within it includes a lot of tears; brought on by my brokenness, pain, bitterness, and anguish; ... even fear, worry, frustration, and heartache take their dreadful, yet permissable place. I have all these different feelings and emotions and it's like I don't know why.
I understand that no one can make me happy, except me, so why aren't I? I told my bf it's like I'm trying to find a place where I "fit."
Naturally, he got a little offended by that because, yeah he is my man, and that place where he thinks I should fit is with him, which is true, but that's not what I mean. That aspect of my life is okay, but maybe it's that longing for wholeness in my life that once was. I don't know if I believe it even exists anymore.
I was once in a place in life where I felt like I had everything I ever wanted, except for one thing: some love in my life. Now, I got a man and I feel like I ain't got nothing else. Not like I don't appreciate what I do have... but... ya know?
I'm not complaining (but I am). It's just that things have been hard for me lately, and my bf he's there for me, but not like I need him to be. What I need is for him to be more attentive of me and not be quick to judge and criticize me and tell me "what [my] problem is..."
Maybe I'm just being a baby about it, or maybe I do have "issues," as was his response to me yesterday. But like I told him, My issues are MY issues, and he doesn't need to get so bent out of shape about them. If I'm telling you something, I expect some type of empathy and encouragement. I think that he's too hard on me, but he tells me he's "talking real" to me.
He's been getting really loud with me lately and he's gotten fed up with me and how I supposedly am towards him. I don't even realize it until afterwards. It's like I'm in a-whole-nother place and am just coming into reality when it's too late and we're in the middle of an argument (because of me) and I'm too stubborn to admit I'm wrong or just did/said something really stupid. Well, not really stubborn... he just likes to rub it in when he's right.
He's very patient with me, though. I do have to give him some credit, though. I'd be frustrated with me, too if I were him. I do get a little irrational sometimes, but I don't know why.
I've been so driven by my emotions and I KNOW that's the reason why I keep making so many bad decisions.
The best decisions, I think, are made with the absense of feelings and emotions. The best are the ones that are rational, or logical.
I'm trying to find my medium within myself to help me gain some peace of mind and perspective, but my relationships with my man, my friends, and my family I think are suffering because I can't seem to find that place.
I've been feeling the need to isolate myself from the world. I've shut everyone out. I haven't even been in contact with people that I respect and look-up to, because I'm so embarrassed about what my life's become.
I know I can get back to where I once was before and be better and even stronger, but the thing is, it takes time -- and I'm sick of waiting.
First my friends got "the cut," then my family... and now, my bf.
I've been feeling like I wanna be alone. Even with the desire and willingness to break-up with him. I feel like I go see him and call him to get criticized and rejected sometimes. But I don't have any reason to walk away from him. He's good to me and he says I run away from my problems. I don't think that's true.
It's just like no one can give me the answers I've been searching for. It's like I can't find anyone to encourage me and build me up. That's not completely true, my parents do a good job at that, but I guess I feel that way because it doesn't come from him how I want it to. I don't know. And when did I become so damn sensitive? Everything seems to bother me for some reason and he has to see the effect things have on me, and then I end up getting emotional like a little b*tch, and then that starts to have an effect on him, meaning my moods and bitterness, etc.
He's really great and realistically, the way things have been going for us (compared to our past) I have NO reason to cry, complain, or feel the way I'm feeling.
Maybe I'm thinking too much (as a lot of people tell me I do). But something's not right, I'm sure of it, so I gotta figure out what it is. Peace.

his dreams

He told me his dreams again, the same dreams about me that he have said it million times before. You should have seen him, when he picturize his dreams to all of us in our meetings, and how he made it so completely-prefect when he put my name on it :">
He said to me :
"Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. Because your doubts are not as powerful as your desires, unless you make them so."

Well, it was ONE of my wildest dreams also:D
(.. InsyaAllah)